God gave me a gift this month: hope.
Though I did not do it knowingly, over the last 40 months I have built a wall of doubt that comes between me and hope. I put it there to protect my heart, which has been so frequently broken. This month, God showed me that wall. For 5 days He slowly took a few bricks down and allowed hope to creep back into my heart. Even a negative pregnancy test didn't slow His pace. 10 more days went by and that wall of doubt was nearly gone. I really felt like this could be the month! Maybe it was finally my turn! Maybe God was going to let me have that SO precious gift my heart has been aching for. As day 15 came and went, with no sign of the dreaded red, Jared and I prayed with earnest hearts that this would be the one.
Wednesday, Day 16. Jared left early in the morning for work, I got out of bed an hour later and started my morning routine. That was when it happened. The dreaded red appeared!
Disbelief...
Anger....
Pain...
I had spent some time praying with a friend the evening of day 15 and God gave us this verse which I then wrote on the bathroom mirror:
Psalms 16:11
'You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy: at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.'
With my heart shattered in a thousand pieces, I saw this verse; 'in your presence there is fullness of joy'. I didn't feel joyful. I felt broken and defeated. I wanted to run and scream and hide away forever! But that was not an option. My daycare kids were coming. God gave me a smile which I glued on and I made it through the day.
My heart is shattered, but slowly God is giving me strength to give him the pieces to put it back together.
I did not post this out of anger. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy. But maybe you've been here too. Your situation might be a bit different but your heart was broken too. I encourage you not to run away in anger. Turn to Jesus; 'in His presence there is fullness of joy' even in the toughest of circumstances.
God bless!
