Somewhat related to journaling, in School of Ministers we have talked a lot about what we believe and why we believe it. I have really appreciated these classes and discussions, but often after classes like these I find myself saying: 'I could never remember all that!' I then use that as my excuse not to share my faith with others; allowing fear to control my actions. This has frustrated me long enough and now I have decided what I am going to do about it! I am writing down what I believe, simple as that! I have my little netbook beside me when I'm doing my studying and Bible reading. When I unravel a truth, or find a verse that clearly states something I believe, I type it in under a point stating what I learnt. I just started this yesterday, actually, and I am already starting to feel like I'm learning things about my faith, for myself; not just because the pastor says so. Oh, I also put a text box at the side of the page for questions to research or ask a pastor to explain.
Discipleship has really been on my mind lately; how to share my faith with others and help them help others and so on... (We actually had a really good message on it this weekend, I'll post a link when it's up). As I'm nearing the end of this pregnancy, I've been reflecting on the journey that brought me here. It's amazing to see how much I've learnt and grown through all of this. I am honestly so grateful that God took me through all that, he's taught me so much, and shown me so much. I have met people, talked to people and maybe even helped a few people in their journeys as a result of having gone through 44 months of waiting. The 2 biggest things I'd say I've learnt through all this is that God is faithful and I can trust him no matter what the situation looks like from my perspective. Knowing that sure doesn't make it easy though!
Before I found out we were pregnant, I always said: 'When I get pregnant, the world will know! I'll shout it from the roof tops!' But when I did discover our little miracle, my first emotion wasn't joy, it was fear. Yeah, maybe there was a little joy mixed in there, but fear was a lot more prominent than I expected; maybe that's why I had to read the test a dozen times! I didn't realize I'd built a wall around my heart, a defense mechanism that kept me from getting my hopes up. Even with a positive test, there are so many 'what ifs'; a false positive, a miscarriage, the baby dying at birth... it terrified me! As a result of that fear, Jared had to take me to the emergency room more than once because I'd worked myself into a panic of 'I might be losing the baby!' We did start telling people quite early on that we were pregnant, I was trying so hard to be positive and let this sink in and become real. What really stung was when we'd tell people, and they tell us we shouldn't be telling people yet this early. So even being pregnant has been challenging and scary at times. But God is faithful and I know I can trust him. He has been and will continue to use this journey to make me a better disciple.
So we are in countdown mode, 17 days until my ultrasound due date (April 4th), 22 until my original due date (April 9th). I am currently feeling a lot more excitement than any sort of fear. This is probably the only time in my life where I've said: 'Nope, that needs to hurt a lot more.' (in reference to my braxton hicks that I'm hoping will soon become contractions!) I see so many blessings as I walk through my house. It's hard to believe it's real. 'MY baby will sit in that car seat. MY baby will wear those adorable cloth diapers. MY baby is going to sleep in that bassinet.' People keep teasing me: 'Sleep while you can! Once baby is here, you wont ever sleep again!' I can see their perspective, but it's probably a lot tougher to see mine. My house has been quite for the last 4 years. There have been many nights where I would have given anything to be woken by a baby's cries, just to know that I had one. I know in reality, there will be days or nights when I wont feel so reflective, I'll get tired and frustrated. But I'm praying now that God will remind me of what it took to get there.
Wow I had a lot to say today! Well, I took some pictures and a short video for my far away friends. This is me at 37 weeks. I've been told I have a pretty active baby so I took a short video of my tummy so you can see for yourself! I hope you can tell what is me breathing and what is baby moving. Abby also makes a short appearance to look up at me like: 'what are you doing?'